Today in North Idaho it is overcast with a high of 39°. The funny and predictable thing about this seasonal area is that the weather can change repeatedly throughout the day. It can rain, shine and snow all in a short period of time. Today I woke up to the sound of the snow plow driving past my house, and with that knowledge I decided I would snuggle in a little longer and considered my first cup of coffee with extra delight.
The last few months have been interesting months in my life. I am navigating what I like to refer to as a time of reinventing myself. This is not the first time I have had this experience. Each time it is much needed and every time I learn new truths about myself, new strengths and weaknesses. In all honestly, I would say the ability to reinvent myself is one of my greatest strenghs and a true gift. In this ability, I find comfort that nothing and no one will ever defeat me. I know that no amount of pain, discomfort or heartbreak will last long beforeI will rebuild again.
This time it is a divorce after twenty+ years. This time is the failure to find a way to keep my family together and watching my husband dismantal the person I know he wants to be but is not abel to see his way through to keep. This time it is our children suffering the loss of home, securty in their memories both past and future and the inevitable division of holidays and birthdays. This time it is because of weakness, selfishness and ego. No matter what I would give, what I would do to go back, to see it through, to support that change, the truth I have come to known is that I was dying a slow emotional death in my marriage and had given too much of myself away to someone who would only continue to take and never been satisfied with what he had. When my own children ask me why I would consider going back to him when he treated me with so little respect, I realized that I was hiding nothing from them. I was not doing them any favors by staying and keeping our family intact. The lies we tell ourselves. And now in this knowledge I think of the years I wasted with a controlling, selfish, empty man. I wouldn’t let him go beliving he was a better person than who he knew he really was. Ultimatly, he knew this truth and just couldn’t hide it any longer. And now…ultimatly…I have come to accept it.
I look back and clearly recall seeing that selfishness very early on. I see how I made it easier for him to be that person. I see how I died each time I realized that I could not change him. How I found the truth in each lie. Hiding money most likely as an escape plan. Disappearing to spend time with his friends. Neglecting our home and me while spending weeks or months helping his friends at their houses. Starting new projects at our house to be left unfinished with the list of other projects that were already unfinished and then disappearing again.
Sometimes I wonder if it was my persistance for completition, presence, communication or love that assisted his withdrawl but that is just another lie I used to tell myself.
So back to reinventing. I went back to school and recently passed my national certification exam for medical assistants. I took a job with a local hospital’s cancer center. I see my children and grandchildren as much as possible. I don’t see my mother as much as possible simply because she is not happy and does not seek happiness. I say Yes to my friends more and walk with my girfriends most weekends. I get caught up the series Outlander and started this blog. I am finding myself again. That person that was so loving and free and hopeful for the future has returned. I have reinvented myself and I feel like I’ve discovered life again. And now you know…
But what you don’t know is that during this time of reinventing myself that my grandma Leona has held my hand and has come to me in my dreams bringing all that love that she had for me around that she had when she took me in as a young girl. And what you don’t know is that the little girl that I was as a child is also with me holding my hand reminding me that there are terrible people in this world and that she is still within me and guiding me along with my grandmother. And when I pray at night or when things are tough during the daylight hours, I feel such a peacful presence and loving guidance around me and though me that nothing is insurmountable.
Today, make your connections with your positive past and let that help you move forward in your future.