December 16th, 2018

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Today in North Idaho it is overcast with a high of 39°.  The funny and predictable thing about this seasonal area is that the weather can change repeatedly throughout the day.  It can rain, shine and snow all in a short period of time.  Today I woke up to the sound of the snow plow driving past my house, and with that knowledge I decided I would snuggle in a little longer and considered my first cup of coffee with extra delight.

The last few months have been interesting months in my life.  I am navigating what I like to refer to as a time of reinventing myself.  This is not the first time I have had this experience.  Each time it is much needed and every time I learn new truths about myself, new strengths and weaknesses.  In all honestly, I would say the ability to reinvent myself is one of my greatest strenghs and a true gift.  In this ability, I find comfort that nothing and no one will ever defeat me.  I know that no amount of pain, discomfort or heartbreak will last long beforeI will rebuild again.

This time it is a divorce after twenty+ years.  This time is the failure to find a way to keep my family together and watching my husband dismantal the person I know he wants to be but is not abel to see his way through to keep.  This time it is our children suffering the loss of home, securty in their memories both past and future and the inevitable division of holidays and birthdays.  This time it is because of weakness, selfishness and ego.  No matter what I would give, what I would do to go back, to see it through, to support that change, the truth I have come to known is that I was dying a slow emotional death in my marriage and had given too much of myself away to someone who would only continue to take and never been satisfied with what he had.  When my own children ask me why I would consider going back to him when he treated me with so little respect, I realized that I was hiding nothing from them.  I was not doing them any favors by staying and keeping our family intact.  The lies we tell ourselves.  And now in this knowledge I think of the years I wasted with a controlling, selfish, empty man.  I wouldn’t let him go beliving he was a better person than who he knew he really was.  Ultimatly, he knew this truth and just couldn’t hide it any longer.  And now…ultimatly…I have come to accept it.

I look back and clearly recall seeing that selfishness very early on.  I see how I made it easier for him to be that person.  I see how I died each time I realized that I could not change him.  How I found the truth in each lie.  Hiding money most likely as an escape plan.  Disappearing to spend time with his friends.  Neglecting our home and me while spending weeks or months helping his friends at their houses.  Starting new projects at our house to be left unfinished with the list of other projects that were already unfinished and then disappearing again.

Sometimes I wonder if it was my persistance for completition, presence, communication or love that assisted his withdrawl but that is just another lie I used to tell myself.

So back to reinventing.  I went back to school and recently passed my national certification exam for medical assistants.  I took a job with a local hospital’s cancer center.  I see my children and grandchildren as much as possible.  I don’t see my mother as much as possible simply because she is not happy and does not seek happiness.  I say Yes to my friends more and walk with my girfriends most weekends.  I get caught up the series Outlander and started this blog.  I am finding myself again.  That person that was so loving and free and hopeful for the future has returned.  I have reinvented myself and I feel like I’ve discovered life again.  And now you know…

But what you don’t know is that during this time of reinventing myself that my grandma Leona has held my hand and has come to me in my dreams bringing all that love that she had for me around that she had when she took me in as a young girl.  And what you don’t know is that the little girl that I was as a child is also with me holding my hand reminding me that there are terrible people in this world and that she is still within me and guiding me along with my grandmother.  And when I pray at night or when things are tough during the daylight hours, I feel such a peacful presence and loving guidance around me and though me that nothing is insurmountable.

Today, make your connections with your positive past and let that help you move forward in your future.

 

 

November 14th, 2018

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Today in North Idaho it is overcast with a high of 44°.  Bare feet fount the floors abrasive and were immediatly comforted by a warm pair of wool socks!

Yesterday I managed to remove the leaves in the front yard.  I love the large maple trees in the front yard; however, the leaves they produce are numerous!  I finally purchased a blower and now blow them into piles which makes the task of collecting them go a great deal faster!!

In preparation for winter I have collected all the hoses, lawn furniture, gardening equipment and outdoor pots and put them in the shed.  I also brought out the snowblower and shovel and placed them on the front deck.  I still need a bag of snow melt and then I”ll be finished preparing for cold weather. This is only my second year back in this home (The Nest) and I feel no small amount of pride in getting my place winter ready without help.  In general, the overall beauty of this home is that it is well within my power to care for and in fact make it more beautiful and homie.

Tomorrow I go back to work after two months off.  I am genuinly excited and looking forward to weekly continuity.  For the better part of my career life I have worked 8 to 5 with weekends off and I feel “normal” in that schedule.  This is the beginning of a new career for me after having gone back to school.  I have approximatly fifteen years before I can retire and I hope to do that in a career that I truly love and where I feel that I can be the best version of myself.   I believe I have found my place in cancer services and I feel truly blessed and grateful to wake up for work each day.

We have all had jobs where we have found ourselves feeling incomplete or unhappy in.  Some pay well and some do not but in the end it does not matter because you realize there is something else you are meant to be doing.  Some act on those feelings and some do not.  There is no way to say what is the right choice for each individual.  For me, the jounry has had its ups and downs.  I have doubted myself along the way however I kept moving forward.  I have made mistakes and conqured mountains and somehow found myself on the othere side of the original dream of obtraining a career that fills me.  I feel like every cliche I’ve ever read about following your dreams.  I feel like a warrior having returned victorious from battle.  I feel capable and whole and I’m read for whatever comes next.

Today I say to you that when you really want something in life you must do it your way and in the way you feel is necessary and correct.  Also, that your live may very well turn out in a way you did not foresee or plan for however they may turn out even better.  In the middle of your journey a road may present itself that you never had imagined and suddenly you know to the depths of your being that that road was the real reason you even started your journey.  You just didn’t know.  You had no way of knowing until you put your foot outside of your comfort zone.  Its okay to be afraid because change can be scary.  Its okay to be excited because it is also exciting.

Don’t be afraid to be afraid.  Make the best plan you can and follow your dreams.  You have one life and you should love it as much as humanly possible!!

November 7th, 2018

Brax Hiking

Braxton Hiking with his mom

Today in North Idaho it is overcast with a high of 39°.  Snow is showing this Friday in the forecast and I still have leaves on the ground and potted plants to bring in.  I hope everyone got out to vote yesterday!!!

I’ve had a few months off of work and will be starting back next week.  I have managed to travel, hike, garden and paint the majority of the inside of my Little Nest.  I have taken you along during my recent travels and I hope you enjoyed the photos.  I planted many azaleas this summer as well as a large honeysuckle, a lilac bush and installed a couple of lavender bushes at the beginning of my walkway to the front of the house.  They smell heavenly and are purple in color and I am excited for them to flourish and greet my family and guests.

I also was able to see more of my grandson, Braxton, shown in the photo above.  He is such a happy little fellow with perfect feet and a curious mind.  I see everything good in the world through him.  His parents are blessed with his birth as they believed they could not have children.  I am unsure if that makes this child all the more brilliant in our eyes or if it is just his general joyful disposition.  He is the reason for this blog and the treasure that puts my life in perspective.

I went for an early morning walk along the lake with my friend and her dog, Samson.  A morning walk always gives the day such a settled feeling.  Most of the leaves have fallen in preparation for winter and the lake is clear and calm.  I’ll continue with my painting project today which now finds me in the spare bedroom.  I have a cup of hot tea, a fire to keep the house warm, Howard’s End on the television for company and my favorite socks made of bamboo which are like heaven.

Counting my blessings in North Idaho and the change in seasons that is upon me. The holidays are coming and I enjoy all the festivities in this small mountain area and the family events that are to come.

Today I remind my small band of readers to focus on the hours in front of them.  Inject the things you love and adore regularly into your day and arrange to come in contact with them to lift your spirits. Put a smile in your way and trip over it often.